Tuesday, December 12

I Should Just Go Live in a Cave

On Saturday, I had a date with this woman from out of town, let's say she was from Washington D.C. We met about a month ago when she was in NYC to talk about artistic matters. We had a nice chat and I left our meeting feeling like I'd met someone really cool. When she got back home the next day she asked me out on a date via e-mail. I was flattered and said "yes, of course." We set a date for Dec. 9th and began a month-long almost-daily e-mail correspondence which fluctuated from flirty to saying goodnight. I felt like we really got to know each other and I smiled a little whenever I saw her name pop up in my inbox. It was one part liking her, and two parts liking being pursued. I didn't mention any of this on the blog because I didn't want to jinx it, but, alas, it jinxed itself.

As the date of our date drew near, I occupied myself with girl stuff; hair removal, nail painting, digging up my cute underwear, etc. I was feeling two things I hadn't experienced in a while: hope and excitement. I hadn't been on a date or even had any type of flirtation since the incident back in April. I've been pretty down on the idea of human companionship since then and don't trust people in general, but I found myself sucked into the promise of romance once again. I guess I never learn. The date, comprised of dinner and a burlesque show, went well and soon we were making out in a cab on the way to her hotel. Yes, going to have sex in a hotel in your own city is quite hot. The sex part was fun, let's say a B plus. But afterwards, she turned completely cold, rolled over and went to sleep. It was too early/late to take the subway and I couldn't afford a cab back to Brooklyn so I had to lie awake waiting for the sun to come up.

I remember thinking, contrary to the obvious, "okay, she did not just take a train from Washington, D.C., buy me dinner, get a hotel room, have hot hotel sex just to ignore me. That's a lot of trouble to go through just to get laid." Plus, there were all those e-mails, I reasoned. My inner overly emotional girl was battling it out with my inner all-knowing cynic. And in the name of hope, the overly emotional girl won out. Eventually, I fell asleep and woke up with the sun fully shining and did I leave? No, I did not. What did I do? I fu@*ed her again. Did she continue to act cold even while I was fu@*ing her? Yes, she did.

I could have left then, feeling triumphant for at least getting laid twice, but did I go? No, I did not. And this is the point where if I could go back in time, my inner cynic would have kicked my inner idiot girl's ass, told her to put some clothes on and stop acting like one of her friends from high school pining over some sexist, dumb as shit guido who couldn't have cared less about her. Instead, I waited for her to shower and then we WENT TO BREAKFAST. I've had several awkward morning-after breakfast scenarios, but this one was sort of a crowning achievement in awkwardness, it was like the person I was eating breakfast with was completely different from the person I ate dinner with the night before. She looked the same, but there was something missing in her demeanor, that something was an interest in me.

We parted at the subway. When I leaned over to hug her goodbye, which, for some reason I still thought was appropriate, she did not hug me back. Unable to down several shots of tequila (I'll be sober 6 years in January) I went to Sephora and purchased items I did not need on my credit card as an act of self-destruction. Then I went home and waited for her to e-mail with an explanation for her actions. She did not. So, I e-mailed today, wondering what went wrong and to paraphrase, this is the reaction I got: "I think you're smart and sexy, blah, blah, blah, but I don't feel any emotional connection to you." I could just say, well this woman is just a freak, it's her loss, not mine. But her explanation sounded suspiciously almost exactly like what the chick who freaked out on me back in April said. Leading me to believe that perhaps I am non-emotionally connectable, unlovable, or perhaps I just have emotional cooties. Basically, I'm beginning to think it's me and not them.

Maybe I should just go live in a cave or on a cat farm. Or maybe I should just have myself neutered and forget all this sex and relationship crap. It's all crap anyway, right? A corporate conspiracy of some sort? Whatever. Anyway, your thoughts, kind words, compliments, pats on the back are appreciated. Please feel free to leave them in the comments.

ADDENDUM: Thanks to everyone for their comments. They've been very helpful. I'd like to clarify that I didn't think of this date as any special love connection. I don't fall in love very easily and even when I do it takes me a long time to commit to anyone. I'm pretty fickle in these matters. I guess I just expect people I sleep with, especially after all that buildup, to treat me respectfully and at least be a bit attentive to my feelings.

But mostly I am angry at myself for not leaving when I should have thus deepening my level of personal embarassment.

16 comments:

Montmarcey Brown said...

If you didn't have that part of you that is capable of falling in love easily, then you wouldn't fall in love easily. That would be a shame, because falling in love easily is fun.

Cheryl B. said...

I really don't fall in love easily. And I wouldn't have called this love, it was more of an intrigue.

Christine said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. What a shit head. (she is). You deserve so much better. We have to plan some kind of revenge.

something really childish but satisfying

Cheryl B. said...

Maybe this is the wrong outlook, but mostly I blame myself. I should have just left when it turned weird...

Nichelle said...

She behaved just like most men I have f@cked in a hotel acted the next day.
Enjoy the sex. Forget the rest.

Nathan P said...

If the dumb Americans can't see how amazing you are, then come back to London where people know that you are not only intelligent and sexy, but also warm, funny, caring, generous, and frankly one of the most lovable people I have ever been lucky enough to have in my life.

Nancy S said...

i feel like i want to go beat her up for you. talk about bad morning after behavior! very bad behavior. Even if she had decided she's not up for an emmootional connection (it would be long distance after all and maybe you don't want that either) - but who isn't basking bit in after-sex glow and lusciousness enough to be a nice and connected through breakfast. What's her worry? It's not like you're even close enough to be a stalker. She does in fact sound like an icky guy. don't second guess yourself. i do it all too much and it's not worth it. if i chided myself for not leaving each time it turned weird, i'd be flogging myself on a daily basis... and not a in an interesting way.

Nancy S said...

i feel like i want to go beat her up for you. talk about bad morning after behavior! very bad behavior. Even if she had decided she's not up for an emmootional connection (it would be long distance after all and maybe you don't want that either) - but who isn't basking bit in after-sex glow and lusciousness enough to be a nice and connected through breakfast. What's her worry? It's not like you're even close enough to be a stalker. She does in fact sound like an icky guy. don't second guess yourself. i do it all too much and it's not worth it. if i chided myself for not leaving each time it turned weird, i'd be flogging myself on a daily basis... and not a in an interesting way.

felicia said...

OMIGOD, Cheryl. You are one of the most amazing, emotionally stable, loving person I know.

People are just horrible, selfish, strange and to start to wonder about some random person's incredibly strange actions is a exercise in futility.

I agree with Nichelle. You got some amazing attention, a dinner, some hot sex, but forget her drama. Trust me, I've wanted to skin people alive when they've said, OH FELICIA, you will find the one, don't worry. It will happen when you least expect it.

But now I sort of think that if you're putting all this great energy out there (which you are), things will fall into place when they need to.

I hear you, doll!!!
xoxoxo, f.

Carolyn said...

Cheryl - obviously you're just not dykey enough. Bitches want to be whipped into shpae these days. You need to shave your head, gain 20 pounds and carry a bullwhip. Then you'll be as loveable as a button to anyone walks your way. (It worked for me!)

Kathleen said...

It obviously is a corporate conspiracy. They've ruined Christmas, now they're ruining dating.

Anne said...

Definitely not you. You do not have cooties. Do not hide in a cave. Get back out there! Play the field! It's the only way to weed out the jerks, because they don't exactly wear shirts that say "I'm a Jerk."

And for those of us straight girls who get sick of men and say "well, maybe I'll just switch to women," this is a real lesson. Jerks come in every gender.

Anonymous said...

Two ways too look at this, the first, well you got laid and that is always good, second is, it is her loss not yours. Falling in love is cool, just fall for the right person, sex of course is not love. the right one will come along cheryl. you are worth it.
G

me said...

How can a talented writer and poet such as yourself think you are not able to connect emotionally? Writers as a rule have very deep emotions. I think you just happened to meet two very poor female prospects. I've been dating (since breaking up with someone) since the summer, and I have yet to meet someone I'm convinced is for me. And a lot of them were pretentious, obnoxious, rude, etc. etc. It's hard, but don't give up. Because when it does work out, it is so worth it.

Tess de Ryckman said...

What a witch!! Her, not you, before you get more paranoid. I think everyone has said all the sensible things really. The worst of it is the feeling of humiliation. We’ve all been there – not known when to give up and it makes you feel like shit afterwards. But you really have to put it behind you (I know, AGAIN) and listen to all these people who know you and love you and get it into your head that it is NOT you. Try to be positive – firstly, this woman was never going to be the right person for you so better to be let down now than later and secondly remember that the right person for you IS out there somewhere.

Meantime, cuddle up with the lovely LuLu, she will never let you down!

(Nice to see some comments for a change anyway!)

Anonymous said...

It's true - everyone has said all the sensible stuff, and of course you are sexy, intelligent, interesting and fun and should never go live in a cave (unless it's for the right reasons - like being an aescetic monk for eg.) However, something (ironically) noone has talked about is COMMUNICATION. As an alternative to knowing when to "give up" or leave, wouldn't it be great if we always knew when to communicate?! How many times have I wished I didn't throw that piece of flatware? Or storm out of a room? Or, more importantly, beat myself up over somebody else's inability to express what they want or need. But we're all guilty... we are all (or most) prisoners of tight-lipped bourgeois politeness. And unfortunately as women we are especially prone to be proper. What they forgot to tell us when they were teaching us to cross our legs and smile sweetly is that in order to be proper to ourselves we must sometimes make demands of others. In other words - call the bitch on her behaviour! For eg: "Is everything OK? I feel like you totally shut down..." If she's unable (or unwilling) to respond, then she's unable to have any part in your life anyway, as a friend, lover, casual screw, or whatever. So you really have nothing to lose. I say: next time demand an explanation. Which is only easy for me to say because of all the times I haven't!
Don't give up!
E. xxx